Long day

AF is still running rampant today, so it has been one LONG day. I took D to the ENT (update on our other blog), and have spent the rest of the afternoon/evening at home.

My eating could have been better, but I stayed on calories. Breakfast this morning, was quite unusual...lol I basically ate my afternoon snack instead of breakfast. I had a 100 cal pack of choc covered pretzels, and raisins. My morning snack, ended up being a bag of Pirates Booty. Lunch was a Lean Cuisine deep dish pizza. It was a VERY busy morning/midday at work so I was bad about drinking water. My afternoon snack was Reduced Fat Wheat Thins before I went to go get D. For dinner, I really wasn't up for cooking, so we grabbed chicken quesadillas from Taco Bell, and took them home. For an evening snack tonite, I had an apple before my bike ride, and then a 100 cal pudding to end my day at 1593 calories.

Output was 15 minutes on the bike which ended up being 2.9 miles. Urggh...it was better than last night, but I still wanted that 3 miles back.

What happens during rush hour traffic...

I wanted to make this a separate post so it doesn't get lost in everything else. It truly is amazing to me how God works things out. Things you didn't know you needed in order to do some healing.

We went to Walmart on Saturday evening, and while we go there lots, I NEVER browse cds. They just aren't something I'm typically interested in unless I already have one I want to get (cd's in general that is, I don't like carting them around and would rather just download music). Well, I went straight to the Christian cd's and just kept feeling this prompting to look through them. I browsed around a bit through them, and I saw one that caught my eye, but decided to move on finally and keep shopping. (This was a "killing time" walmart trip, not a grocery run, so I had time to be lax.) However, after walking around walmart abit more, I found myself back at the cd's. I finally decided that if I was going to keep coming back to this one cd, that I might as well get it. And I am so thankful that I listened to God's voice. I got the newest Mandisa cd (she was on American Idol a few seasons back), and have been listening to it ever since.

I can not even begin to explain how much the music from this cd is ministering to me right now. There is one song on here, the last one, that is from the perspective of someone who is already gone and in Heaven...the chorus is "if you could only see this place, you wouldn't cry for me today". I think I spent most of the drive to work this morning dealing with lingering grief from my grandad passing away 2 years ago. But what was interesting to me, was that God used that to bring up other issues I had not even admitted to myself that cropped up during that time. It was VERY hard to admit to myself that even though I was so grateful to have D during that time as a distraction and to keep me from completely going inside myself, I also resented him quite a bit, because he needed the attention that I wanted to focus on my grandad. I had not realized how much of a weight that had been on me ever since.

So now as one more layer is peeled away from this wall that keeps me from fully embracing who I am, I was able to let that go and give it to God. He's a big God and He can handle it. I'm so thankful for that. Moral of the story: God can speak to you anywhere, even in Walmart. And you gotta love the things that He does for us, even during rush hour traffic...lol

Crap Fest Weekend 09

It hasn't been the first and prolly won't be the last time this year to have one, but yeah, it was a crap food weekend. I'm not even going to post what I ate, it just sucked overall. I don't think I did just AWFUL on cals, as I still monitored portions, but I didn't eat good foods. I realized on Saturday what I was doing, and then made a conscious decision to go ahead and let Sunday suck as well, get it out of my system, and start fresh today. I've already chugged a bottle of water and am gearing up for a pretty light day today to compensate. Needless to say, my weight was up quite a bit this morning, because aside from the crapfest, AF started yesterday, and is definitely making its presence known. So this week is going to pretty much suck for that, but its ok. I'd rather the worst part be during the week so we can enjoy our weekends!

We did have a pretty good weekend. Of course, we did, I got to eat crap. lol We did end up seeing two movies. Monsters vs Aliens which was ok, it had a few pretty funny parts, but was otherwise, just ok, and then we saw Madea Goes to Jail, which is such a good movie! Although I don't know that I've found a Madea movie I didn't like. D is really good at sitting through movies now as long as he has popcorn and a drink (and a pouch of fruit snacks at this one...lol), so I'm able to enjoy them for the most part, aside from a few reminders to him.

I also got to get my baby fix in, and D got to get some time in with his lil girlfriend, we went and visited my friend yesterday for awhile, which is always great. I really enjoy spending time with them.

So, in determining to have a good week, I almost got up and worked out this morning, but decided to wait til this evening. LOL Ok don't laugh so much, I think my reasoning was pretty valid. With AF waging war on my body this week, a) I need the extra sleep in the mornings, since I typically don't sleep well at all, and b) evenings are going to be rough craving-wise, so I will need workouts to take my mind off it AND make me tired enough to go to bed early, and c) now that I have the stationary bike, I have no excuse for not working out even on AF. Expect some good rides this week. And please verbally kick me on here if you don't see at least SOME kinda rides this week...lol

So foodwise today I've had a Fiber One bar for breakfast, and then a tbsp of peanut butter for my morning snack. Lunch was a tunafish sandwich on whole grain, with a tbsp of miracle whip, and then a piece of string cheese, and a serving of Pirate's Booty (which I had never tried before and is YUM!!!). My afternoon snack is going to be an Eating Right nutrition bar. Dinner this evening was a sort of chicken parmesan. I made Shake n Bake chicken served over spaghetti with a bit of cheese on top and broccoli on the side. It was GOOD. Dessert was a 100 cal choc pretzels pack to end my day at 1603 calories.

Output was a 15 minute bike ride this evening. It was pretty slow though, I only made 2.7 miles. Tomorrow night, I BETTER get 3 miles at least out of that same timing.

Finally friday...

Waited ALL week for it! My heel finally wasn't hurting at all today so this evening we got out for a bit. It was nice even though we didn't do TOO much, just the mall, I kept it at an easy walk, but it felt good to stretch my legs. Now if this cold/rain mess would pass us by and bring back some sun, we could get outside!

I had a nice crap food day apparently. lol Breakfast was oatmeal and THAT was ok. But lunch...well...I was out of PBJ, lunch plans got cancelled on me, so...I caved into a chicken quesadilla. It was GOOD though. lol When I got back to work, I had Kosher Dill chips... :( This afternoon I was CRAVING chocolate. I mean, it was a NEED. I contemplated getting a bag of m&ms out of the machine to just stop the craving, but instead, I went searching, and our lovely receptionist had mini tootsie rolls and hersheys kisses on her desk, so I had one (ONLY ONE) of each. And that took it away nicely. WHEW. Later in the afternoon, I had a tbsp of peanutbutter. Dinner was what it is becoming our typical Friday evening, a walk at the mall, CFA kids meals for dinner and then an ice dream cone after the walk to end my day at 1599 calories. OH and D also makes me go into the Earthbound Trading Company store to see the hermit crabs...lol yeah he is entranced by those. But its always fun. There was some kind of concert inside the mall, some little known boy band (well, I had no clue who they were...lol). Lots of girls crowded up there, but it wasn't just awful. D goes "look, mommy! Girls!" LOL! That boy, I swear...

Output today was our walk around the mall and then late this evening, I felt so bad for barely having had any output all week so I did a mile on the bike. I can't believe not that long ago I was doing 4 miles...now I'm back down in a week! Urggh...just gotta work up to it again...

Yup still slacking...

Writing this one on Friday too...can't believe I missed two days in a row!! Urgh...but in my defense, it has been a long week, and I did get some good sleep! lol

I've had the same breakfast/lunch/snack as the last few days, finishing up my bread. Only one PBJ today though, and baby carrots that I had leftover, instead of sugar snap peas. I SO need to go to the store this weekend, as I now have used up all my lunch food at work. Don't even have anything for today, so I need to figure something out. Dinner was a Totino's Crisp Crust pizza that D and I split, with ranch style beans and salad with light ranch. I had a snack before bed of a 100 cal Smartfoods popcorn baggie to end my day at 1390 calories.

Output...uggh...nothing. My heel is feeling better though, just kinda itchy and achy, but its not bad. Tomorrow (Friday), I'm do a mild walk at the mall for some exercise.

Slacker!

This is actually being written on Friday...lol I've so slacked! On a good note, both tonite and thursday night I went to bed early and got some SLEEP, some very much needed sleep!

I'll keep this brief...breakfast was a Fiber One bar. Lunch was actually TWO PBJs on whole grain (yeah I was hungry!!), with Kosher Dill chips, and sugar snap peas. Applesauce was my afternoon snack, and then dinner was sauteed chicken, with herb and butter rice and broccoli. Evening snack was a pudding cup to end the day at 1577 calories.

Output was nil as my heel is still achy and I wanted to go to bed early.

Doc appt today

Well I had a doc appt today to look at the bottom of my heel. When I was 12, I had plantar warts removed from one heel, and it was such an awful experience with the surgery, I'd been avoiding going back. But I'm happy to say no surgery is needed! Woohoo! Its basically a deep callus that is causing some bursitis. I will still have to have some treatments, they basically took a sanding tool to my heel today...lol so its a weeeeeeee bit tender, and whatever they put on it...silver nitrate?...is gonna turn it black for a week or so. I go back in 3 weeks and they'll do it again. I also got prescriptions for a daily home routine to keep it from coming back, and that is SO doable. WHEW!!! Y'all have no idea how relieved I am!!!

I've been pretty good so far today. I went to a wedding shower this afternoon (CONGRATS Ruth and Allen!), and didn't do as great as I wanted to, but I kept it under control.

Breakfast this morning was applesauce, I wasn't super hungry. Lunch was a PBJ on whole grain and baby carrots. Before the shower, I had a 100 cal minibag of popcorn to see if it kept the edge off wanting to eat at the shower. Then at the shower, I had a cupcake, 1 regular strawberry and 1 choc covered strawberry and a few M&Ms. Yeah...not GREAT but it could have been worse. For dinner, D and I went to Souper Salad. I had 2 of their little pizza slices (at 90 cals a pop, yeah they are thin and little), plus a breadstick, and then a big salad with low cal ranch. D and I also got ice cream cones there. This evening for a snack I had a 100 cal bag of popcorn to end my day at 1415 calories.

Output, none...my heel was bothering me pretty good all evening so I just kept it propped up all evening.

Happy birthday, Grandad...

I missed him like crazy today. Today my grandad would have been 86 years old. I still find it hard to believe its been 2 years since he was gone. I still feel him.

It really was kind of just a crappy day in general. I could not stay asleep at all the night before. On Saturday I wore new shoes and they tore UP the back of my heels to a bloody mess, so I could barely walk, I hobbled around. Plus emotional about my grandad's birthday, and a few other things on my mind, it just all added up. So I decided to make sure I was occupied tonite. Beth, the boys and I hit up CFA for dinner, and then Target and Home Depot. I'm working on my backyard to spruce it up some, so we got a few things for that. I was glad for the distraction.

Breakfast this morning was a slimfast shake before I left for work. I was feeling VERY weak about not stopping for breakfast so I decided to try to head it off. It worked well enough. I had a midmorning snack of a Fiber One bar and applesauce. Lunch was a PBJ on whole grain, plus Kosher Dill chips, and sugar snap peas. I did end up chewing 4 pieces of gum today (at 10 cals a pop! Yikes!), and then had raisins for an afternoon snack. Dinner was a 6 piece kids meal at CFA with ketchup, and then an ice dream cone. At home depot, I filched a few of D's skittles...lol and then late in the evening, I had a 100 cal Smartfood popcorn bag which was pretty good...ending my day abit high but under the limit at 1920 calories.

Output today was lots of walking this evening. We walked Target and Home Depot, and lifted heavy bags of rocks into the cart, etc. It was quite a workout...lol

An outside day...

We are LOVING the beautiful weather here! It has been so nice and *knock on wood* my typical allergies have not been bad at all! Whenever I think its starting to flare up, I take a Claritin redi-tab. I don't know if those are what is doing it, but I'm so not complaining. They've really been mild.

Today at my grandma's, we ran around outside for several hours. D got a new toy bat and ball, and we spent some time working on D's swing. Yeah, he misses a lot, but the little man sure tries!

I didn't eat breakfast today as usual for a sunday. Lunch was stroganoff (though I doubt it was beef, my grandma has been using elk meat in stroganoffs recently, and I also know its semi-low fat, as she doesn't use heavy anything), plus a salad with light ranch, a bit of cottage cheese, and a piece of cornbread with country crock. Dessert was those Little Debbie hearts. Dinner for us was chicken, mashed tatoes, and broccoli. Its becoming a pretty standard meal but I've got it down so its easy. I do vary what seasoning I put on the chicken. Sometimes its Tony Chacheres, sometimes zesty italian light dressing, sometimes worcestershire. Anyway you cook it, its YUM. Then tonite I was hungry and low on cals, so I had a waffle with a bit of light syrup to end my day at 1243 calories, though that might be a bit high as I don't think I calculated the stroganoff as accurately as it could have been. But better to overestimate than under.

Output today was the several hours playing outside and sweating. We had so much fun!

An adult movie with D!

No, not an "adult" adult movie, but this evening, a friend of mine and I (along with D) went to an adult movie. Confessions of a Shopaholic. It was rated PG, so I figured it wouldn't be TOO bad. It was cute! And surprise surprise, aside from a few reminders and a tiny bit of fidgeting, D did great! It's so hard to get time out to go see em, so I was excited...lol Now I wouldn't take him to any that are rated more than PG, especially without having already seen it, but this was cool.

We had a fun day...I made us nutrigrain lowfat waffles with sliced strawberries and a bit of light syrup for breakfast/lunch. A late snack for me was 2 stolen popcorn chicken pieces from D's snack that he just HAD to have. (Have I mentioned how I am SO ready for this growth spurt to run it's course!) Then for dinner, we hit up Chili's with a friend of mine. I was pretty good. I did have some chips and salsa, but I got the guiltless grill steak with broccoli (and some ranch to dip in) on the side as my meal. I did have a sweet shot for dessert, the warm cinnamon roll flavor...yum! At the movie we went to, I had some popcorn but maybe about 1/4th of a medium one (and no extra butter on that) to end my day at 1353 calories.

Output was just a little walking around Stonebriar and then Vista Ridge, nothing big as I was wearing new shoes and they very quickly rubbed nasty blisters on my heels. That'll teach me to wear new shoes without preparing first. I get tired of tennis shoes all the time, but I learned the hard way tonite, there's a reason for em. :(

First day of spring!

Happy first day of spring! And the weather is gorgeous for it! I've working on Phase One of getting my backyard into shape. Its VERY bare right now and D never plays in it. I want to change that. So today, I got a deckbox to store his outdoor toys in, so maybe he'll go OUT there with them. I'm also planning on getting some hanging flower baskets, and might be planting some things out there once I figure out what. This project should keep me busy awhile. It's a lease house, so I don't wanna do TOO much to it, but I want to pretty it up some back there. I'm debating getting D a small swing set for his birthday to have out there as well.

I did better on food choices today than yesterday. Breakfast was a PBJ on whole grain and raisins. Lunch was a Lean Cuisine pizza and an apple, and my afternoon snack was a 100 cal pack of baked cheese crackers. Not sure whats for dinner yet, but I'll post that later this evening. (Just trying to get ahead of the game on this)

No output yet other than lifting a deckbox at the store and hauling it to my car...lol I don't guess that counts though, so I'll do something tonite...hehehe...

Proud owner of

my very own Plano library card....woohoo! This evening, D and I walked up to the library near our house (its a little over half a mile away). Well, D was in his stroller, but still...lol It was a nice walk and I greatly enjoyed it. I hope to have many more days like that coming up!

I did make a very sad choice for breakfast. And I got my butt kicked from several people for it. lol I was craving orange juice on the way to work. Well, I stupidly went into a donut shop to get some, and walked out with not only the OJ, but a chocolate donut too. :-| At LEAST it was just one but still...I knew better. Its been 10 months since I stopped and get breakfast, and I felt so bad about ruining THAT record too. But I just can't let it happen again. Time to go another 10 months!

So...breakfast this morning was the OJ and donut. I didn't eat a morning snack. Lunch was a PBJ on whole grain bread with baby carrots, reduced fat wheat thins, and 100 cal choc covered pretzels. My afternoon snack was Quaker Mini Delights. For dinner we had chicken in a bit of zesty italian light dressing, plus mashed potatoes I forgot I had in the pantry, and green beans. Then for an evening snack, I had a 100 cal pudding cup and a bit later, a 100 cal popcorn minibag to end my day at 1605 calories.

My output was walking the 1.8 miles (we went further than the library when we left it, and then walked back), which, including a quick library trip to get a card and grab 5 books, took exactly an hour.

Wednesday

It wasn't a great day, I was tired from the night before and emotionally drained from worrying, and it just dragged.

So with all that, my food intake was actually semi-decent today. Breakfast today was applesauce and half a PBJ on whole wheat. I had a Quakers Mini Delights for a morning snack. Lunch was a Smart Ones Ziti meal and sugar snap peas, plus a 100 cal pack of choc covered pretzels. My afternoon snack was 1.5 servings of reduced fat Wheat Thins (I was avoiding the cake that was up here). For dinner, D and I hit up Souper Salad. I did good. I had a big salad with low cal ranch, two slices of their pizza (which is super thin and small) and one breadstick to end my day at 1631 calories.

My only output was a 45 minute walk at the mall pushing D's stroller.

Happy St Pattys Day...

I dunno about happy cause it wasn't that great of a day from being tired, and somewhat of an emotional evening due to some not so great news, hence not some great choices. I have a hard enough time staying on track on a normal day, much less, any other day. I did ok this evening though, just didn't have a super good dinner.

Breakfast, I wasn't really hungry after the indulgence last night in chicken nuggets, so I just had raisins and almonds. My morning snack was a bag of those Quaker Mini Delights. Lunch was a PBJ on whole grain bread with grapes and reduced fat wheat thins. And my afternoon snack was a 100 cal choc covered pretzel pack. Dinner...was a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell...not the greatest 540 calorie choice. But I TRIED to make it better. We picked em up on the way home, and I served them for D and I with leftover steamed broccoli. This evening, I had a 100 cal pudding cup to end my day at 1569 calories.

Its been 3 days since I rode the bike. Eeeek...and its not gonna happen tonite. I think I'm going to go to bed early to have the hopes of waking up early to do it. Well, we'll see about that going to bed early. It hasn't happened yet. lol But I DO want to get up early and get a workout in.

Not so good choice

Well it was definitely a Monday. Yawning all day from lack of sleep over the weekend sure doesn't help, lol. It was such a gorgeous day and all I could think about doing was being outside in it!!! I got out a bit at lunch but I had to run to Wallyworld so wasn't able to enjoy it as much as I would have liked.

We joined some other DAM mom's this evening for a yummy dinner (albeit a LONG one, as we had a slow as molasses waiter...but hey, a good portion of our meal was free so can't complain too much! I love the bzzagent coupons!!!) Afterward, I needed to get D some new shoes as his are looking pretty scuzzy, and well, I didn't want to go home yet either. I was having a rough night, thinkin about some things comin up, and I just wasn't ready to be alone yet. So we went to Kohls and then to Target to wander around and do some shoe shopping. We ended up there til they closed at 10...lol we shut em DOWN.

I did make kind of a sad choice though. D is so gearing up for a growth spurt. He has been eating voraciously lately, just about anything and everything. I've heard its quite common for kids to have a growth spurt after getting their tonsils out, so I guess its expected but sheessh...so when we left Target, D was acting like he was going to die of starvation. This is actually not very typical of him, he may interject a few "I'm hungrys" if it really has been awhile but doesn't usually just fall out in hunger, so it really sounded like he was. Yeah, we stopped at Wendys by the Target...and yeah, I got something too. I'm determined to not fall back into the trap of keeping this food addiction a secret hence why I'm ratting myself out here. I knew going into it that I'd have to post what I ate (and it actually led to a better choice than I prolly would have made otherwise...cause trust me I was definitely thinkin about their burgers...I resisted THAT though). I'll post what I ate in a minute after I do the rest of the day.

The majority of the day I did great up til then. Breakfast was oatmeal and raisins. I had a morning snack of 100 cal choc covered pretzels. Lunch was a Lean Cuisine deep dish pizza, plus baby carrots and grapes. My afternoon snacks were a fat free yogurt and these Quaker Mini Delights rice cakes, white chocolate drizzle flavor, which are, OMG, DA BOMB...they were so freakin good! Dinner was at Chili's. I was good (then)...I got the Guiltless Grill chicken sandwich, with corn on the cob as the side (no butter). Then at Wendy's, I got chicken nuggets and split a small fry with D to end my day at 1784 calories...:( Yeah, not my greatest decision ever but it definitely could have been worse...lol Oh well...today is a new day.

My only output was a walk at Walmart at lunch, and then walking at Kohls and Target. We got home late and then I just kind of moped around and paced the house til I finally decided to go to bed around 1 or 2.

A fun day!

Today I took D to the zoo after we went to my grandma's. We were there for 3 hours and had a great time! I think we saw every single thing except maybe the reptiles, and spent a good deal of time watching the gorillas. All 3 of the females were down by the glass and 2 of them were being quite spunky. So we really got to see them upclose and personal. Several times, one of them would attack the glass, but we couldn't tell if it was just to scare us or playing games.

I didn't have breakfast since we went to my grandma's, and for lunch, we had scrambled eggs, little sausage rolls, and strawberries. At the zoo, I came prepared (for once!!!) and had water and a little package of fruit snacks. I was STARVING when we left and D was hungry, but I finally decided to not run by McD's (there's one right as you leave the zoo), and instead go home. We had light hotdogs with some ketchup, a serving of mac n cheese and sugar snap peas. For dessert this evening, I had 2 popsicles, to end my day at 1320 calories.

My output today is 3 hours of walking at the zoo and no bike.

Crap food day

But it was good. I made a few not so good decisions and made a few decent ones. We did have some fun...I took D to the Children's Museum in the morning, and after he stayed with my brother so I could go to a baby shower, we went to dinner at Jasons Deli and then...went to a late movie! We saw Bolt at the dollar theater. D and I had gone to see it before, but he fell asleep in the beginning and slept through it. lol It was cute even the second time.

For breakfast before the museum, I had an english muffin with abit of butter, and then turkey sausage. Lunch was a chicken nugget kids meal from CFA. At the shower...I had a cupcake, a few chips with dip, some grapes, a bit of punch, and a bit of candy (the not-so-good decision). So after all that, when we went to dinner, I got salad bar. I had a big salad with lettuce, tomato, a bit of cheese, and lowfat ranch, and then a serving of their lowfat icecream. That night at the theater, I had a pickle and popcorn to end my day at 1735 calories. Since we didn't get home til 11:30pm, I didn't do my bike. The other not so good decision.

4 miles!!!

See output below for the significance of THAT! First things first...I weighed in this morning at 278.6...yay! But I'm only counting the 280.4 from yesterday since my weight fluctuates so much. I like it to be down consistently for a few days before counting it. BUT still...considering last saturday was 286, that rocks!

Today was a pretty good day for being Friday the 13th. There was food at work catered in, but I managed to avoid eating ANY of it and stuck to my plan. Of course it helped that I was joining some other awesome moms tonite at Olive Garden for dinner. Even though it wasn't a splurge, so I had to stick to my safe food there, I still had a great time and got to see some chicks I don't see often, and meet two new ones! Good times...and D did REALLY well. He required a lot of attention but no fits is ALWAYS a good outing, especially after a long day for him! He polished off his WHOLE plate of the kids grilled chicken with spaghetti and broccoli. And could have eaten more! I think he's making up for the week after his surgery...lol

Breakfast this morning was oatmeal with raisins. For a morning snack, I had yogurt and reduced fat wheat thins. Lunch was a Weight Watchers Smart Ones artisan creations pepperoni pizza...for almost 400 cals, I wasn't that impressed. I can get a better pizza for 300 cals. To avoid all the cookies outside our dept, I had a 100 cal pack of choc covered pretzels after that. This afternoon, I had a tbsp of peanut butter to get through til dinner. As I said above, we met up with some DAM moms and kiddos for dinner at Olive Garden. Teresa and I split the linguine alla marinara, I had a bit of salad (just lettuce and tomato, with light italian and no parmesan), and then had one breadstick to complete the meal. After we got home this evening, I had a serving of Keebler puffed crackers, and then late tonite, I was SO feigning for something sweet, so I had a few pieces of stashed candy of D's that I don't even LIKE (lol which is sad, but it did the trick) to end my day at 1816 calories.

On to the good stuff, and the reason for my title above. I made it 4 miles in 20 minutes tonite on the stationary bike!!! WOOHOOO!!!! I still can't quite breathe, but it was exhilarating to do it!!!

So proud of D!!!

I should prolly share this on D's blog, but oh well, it can just go here so I don't have to post two blogs...lol Tonite we were at Collin Creeks playarea, and there was a little girl there just being MEAN to Beth's little boy who is 2 (he's SO D's little friend, they love each other!). This little girl was sitting on him and elbowing him in the car there (he WAS there first btw), and Beth removed him. Well a bit later, the girl came back again to mess with him. My sweet boy stuck his arms out and put himself in front of her so she couldn't touch Brian, which gave time for Beth to get over there and take action. This girl's mom/babysitter/whatever wasn't doing a THING. She was doing homework in the corner. Ugghh...but I just can't believe how awesome that was of D to stick up for his little buddy! I was so proud and made sure to go tell him! He didn't hit her, shove her or anything, just got himself in between em...*sigh* Way to go, D! He's so gonna be a great big brother some day, and I can't wait to see that happen wayyyyy down the road...

OH and looks like the puking from the night before was an isolated incident of maybe something he ate. He was fine all day today with no issues, ate just fine, and had a normal BM...looks like we dodged a bullet...WHEW.

On the eating side, I did ok today. I've been fighting it quite a bit more today and doing my best. Breakfast this morning was oatmeal and a big cup of hot chocolate spiked with coffee...lol (I don't like coffee...but needed it this morning). Lunch was a Lean Cuisine pizza with sugar snap peas and yogurt. My afternoon snack was raisins and reduced fat Wheat Thins. For dinner, D and I split the last Totinos frozen pizza leftover from my binge, and had apple slices with it. I was still feigning for something carby, so I had a serving of Keebler puffed crackers. And finally at the mall, I had a kids icedream cone from CFA to end my day at 1706 calories.

Beth and I walked a good 20 minutes brisk walk (more brisk to me though since I got some short legs...lol) pushing strollers, and then tonite I did another 20 minutes on the stationary bike and got back to my mileage from 2 nights ago...3.8 miles!!! Woohoo!! It was a beatdown though...lol yeesshh I'm tired.

Poor D...

We'll see how the rest of the evening goes...D threw up twice since we got home, so I'm hoping that it was just something funky he ate. :( Poor guy...

I did pretty good today, although I can't say it was all completely healthy. Breakfast was oatmeal and 2 slices of canadian bacon, and kept me pretty good til lunch. For that, I had a Lean Cuisine lasagna meal, a cup of green beans, and almonds. This afternoon for a snack, I had a tbsp of peanut butter. Dinner was 2 light hotdogs, on 1 slice of whole wheat bread with a bit of Miracle Whip, plus a side of chips and carrot sticks. Sadly, D was not able to enjoy this. This evening for dessert, I had a 100 cal pudding cup to end my day at 1374 calories.

For output this evening, I did 20 minutes on the bike again, but oh it was quite a bit slower tonite, I only made it 3.5 miles, and was SO feeling it the whole way. Oh well, at least I did the 20 minutes.

Feeling good about all this...

I'm still struggling with some feelings of shame and guilt for how bad it got, but I think my outlook has been a lot better since Friday, and though I can't say I'm not having cravings, there is definitely a dividing line holding me back. Goodness knows, when I left work today, I kept thinking that we needed to pick up food on the way home. And that's such a crazy thought considering we HAVE food at home, I just had to get past that, and determine it wasn't gonna happen.

And I did. We went home and I fixed quite a yummy dinner (although D didn't really think so...lol but oh well, he got enough in him that it counts...) LOL He kept saying he couldn't eat the chicken because "it might hurt his throat" (which is mostly HEALED), but yet the chicken was ALL he really ate once the plate was in front of him, he barely touched his rice, and kinda picked over the peas. Silly kid.

After yesterday's freaky spell I had (was sitting at my desk and the world started spinning), I had a more substantial breakfast of eggbeaters with yolk and canadian bacon. It worked well! For a morning snack, I had almonds and a tbsp of peanut butter. Lunch was with my friend (HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN!) at Sweet Tomatoes, another safe place of mine since I always get the same thing. I had a big salad with romaine, tomatoes, a bit of cheese, and fat free ranch, plus 3 pickle slices, to start off. Then I added 2 of their pieces of lowfat sourdough bread (with about 1 tbsp of whipped butter), and had a bowl of their chunky chicken noodle soup. And to finish it off, I had a serving of their fatfree chocolate frozen yogurt. It was a YUMMY meal, and it really helped me get through the rest of the day and beat that need to get fast food. For an afternoon snack, I had an apple later in the day. For dinner, I made shake n bake chicken, with a little ketchup, with a side of plain rice and sugar snap peas. This evening for a snack after my exercise, I had puffed crackers and a pudding cup to end my day at 1875 calories.

My daily goal for working on this stationary bike, has really been to do what I did the day before, and if I felt like it, do an extra 5 minutes with the thought that I'd have to do that the next day. Well...tonite I did an extra 5 minutes to make it a total of 20 minutes, and in that extra 5 minutes, I did an extra 1.1 miles, to make a total ridden today of 3.8 miles!!!! Woohoo!!!

A decent Monday

Today was a pretty decent day. Since I didn't get out of the routine of good breakfasts, lunches and snacks at work, it was easy to get back into that today. I'm hoping tonite will not be so bad. I did turn down cake today at work and opted for 3 strawberries...lol today was Ebby's birthday so there was lots of cake up there. Oddly, I didn't really just crave it, it was easy enough to pass it up.

I started out the day with a Slimfast shake made with skim milk, and then later had some almonds and a fat free yogurt. Lunch was a Weight Watchers ziti meal, but then I was still pretty hungry, so I had a can of tuna mixed with some miracle whip. That did the trick. My afternoon snack was the 3 strawberries, and then an applesauce cup. For dinner, we had a yummy meal of Nutrigrain lowfat waffles with light syrup, turkey sausage patties, and apple slices. My snack this evening was one serving of puffed crackers. They aren't that good (ie, not really salty) but I wanted some crackers. I'm ending my day at 1459 calories.

This evening, I did another 2.7 miles on the bike, it still took me 15 minutes. I'm curious to see how I'll keep increasing.

A fresh day

Today I really debated how to handle. First of all, it was at my grandma's which is never a healthy meal...lol And today we were celebrating birthdays for two of my aunts. So they ordered in pizza and we had cake. I did ok. But did decide to keep it simple. I could have 2 slices of pizza and a small piece of cake, nothing else. And that worked well enough. I ate SUPER slow. lol Then we ended up at Grapevine Mills and everyone was hungry and thirsty (bad combination!), so we went to Rainforest Cafe (since D and I had never been in there). I thought of all the things I could order, and very nearly ordered a kids meal, but at the last minute, Beth mentioned splitting chips and queso to get us by until we got home and then I could have something healthier there. So I went with that. And did well enough, since we were with others. By the time D and I got home, I really wasn't hungry anyway, so kept it simple there too before I rode my bike. All in all, it was an interesting test day to see how things are REALLY going. I've actually been a bit surprised since my confession, I still keep thinking I NEED to eat things, almost as if they are so routine that I need to do it, but there IS a lack of want there as well. And I really hope that sticks around awhile. For now, I'm taking it day by day. Not setting goals, not setting a specific amount to eat other than the max of 1958 calories that Lose It says I need to lose 2 lbs a week. Other than that, just trying to make good choices, and not be so hard on myself about it, that I can't admit to failure in it.

So, so far today, I've had two slices of pizza hut hamburger pizza, a small piece of white cake with icing. Then chips and queso at the mall, and this evening, I had a Slimfast shake with skim milk, and applesauce to give me energy for the bike, to end my day at 1391 calories.

We did a dedicated 30 minute walk at the mall, and that was after a lot of shopping and walking in and out of stores, of course pushing D in the stroller. Then tonite, I did 2.7 miles on the stationary bike, it took 15 minutes. I have no idea if thats good or not for timing, but I sure was sweaty!

Starting over

First off, I want to say thanks to all of you for all your support in this. Reading the comments and the replies on DAM after I posted there as well, really helped me to not be so hard on myself. I know I probably deserved everything that could have been thrown at me, but I'm so thankful to have such a support system that will stand by me, even when things go the wrong way.

So I begin this again. I'm starting fresh, and I guess for now, just basically going to take it day by day. I took off the side fence pics, and will start redoing those every month in the tank top and shorts. Hopefully, I can keep up with those this time.

I'm also going to start logging food on Lose It on my iphone instead of FitDay. Mainly because it can be difficult to get on fitday at work nowadays, and I need to be able to go all day with it, plus take it with me. I'm curious to see how I do on this new system. It says I need to eat 1958 calories every day (not counting calories burned exercising) in order to lose 2 lbs a week! Yikes! Thats a lot of calories! I've really debated today if I want to keep posting my food each day on here, and have wondered if that might be part of the problem. That my expectation to keep up with it, led me to feel I had to hide the bad stuff, despite it being part of the addiction. Well, for now, I'll still post (TRUTHFULLY), and if I decide not to later, then I'll stop.

Today, I skipped bfast since I slept in while D ate dry cereal and had some juice in my room while watching Dora. We had an early lunch of scrambled eggbeaters with yolk, mixed with sliced up canadian bacon, and a sprinkle of cheese on top, plus applesauce on the side. For an afternoon snack, I had half a banana and a fatfree yogurt. And then had a slimfast shake with skim milk before we headed to the mall so I wouldn't be so tempted. We ate dinner there, and D and I split a chicken quesadilla at the burrito place (chicken and cheese only in it). I had a bit of sourcream and salsa with that, and a few chips with the salsa too. Then for dessert, D and I both got ice dream cones from CFA. I'm really going to try to not eat anything else today, but we'll see how that goes. I'm at 1271 calories, and Lose It says I still need 687 calories! (And thats IF I don't do ANY exercise today...it says I need 926 more cals with the activity I did today) Hmmmm...I might just leave it at 1271, but we'll see how I feel later this evening. In a way, its a double edged sword to have that many cals left. It helps to know I COULD have something else tonite, but also now that I have that many left, the chances of it being crap food are more likely. *sigh* We'll see.

I did get some activity in today. I took D to the park, and then we walked down to the lake there. We also walked around the mall (though it wasn't a dedicated walk), and I did 2 miles on the stationary bike tonite.

This is my confession...

This has been a long time coming. And I'm prepared to deal with the fallout. I think. But I probably won't be around for a bit. I'm crazy ashamed I let it get this far, and have been crazy depressed over it for a long time, but have had to wear my poker face on it. And I don't know what else to do but come clean.

Here goes...I've gained back 27 lbs. There. I said it. I'm officially admitting that I've relapsed into food addiction. And I've been hiding it since November. Well, November is when the first inklings occurred. I didn't really throw out the cookie dough one bad night. I ate it. In December, I fought hard to control it, but couldn't stop it. Then came the roadtrip I went on. And ever since its been killing me. I've wanted to admit this so many times, and God keeps telling me that I can't get through this until I confess it, that its going to keep getting worse until I admit to all the lying I've done. I kept thinking, someone would catch me, would bust me on it, and it never happened. And God kept kicking my booty over it. But this last week, He's been on me like crazy to confess it. Last night, when I was at my lowest about it, a lady from Covenant Church called. We haven't attended there in awhile and its been sporadic at best anyway, since D can't handle a regular classroom there. But she said I was on her list to check on. I couldn't believe it. It reminds me of the phrase "listen for the whisper or wait for the brick". Ok God...I got the brick.

I guess if I'm going to confess this, I need to confess as to how bad it got. I've had craploads of fast food lately, several times a day, especially with being home with D last week. I've ordered lots of pizza to be delivered. It's been a complete relapse. And I hate it.

Part of me was scared to confess because I know I've lied to a lot of people about my weight and things related to it. Even knowing that it wasn't quite believable that I'd STILL be on a plateau at 252 lbs. Oddly, I tried to be honest in some ways, thinking that made it better. Everything I posted on my blog that I've eaten the last few months, I really did eat. I just didn't log what ELSE I ate. The crap. I also really had been on BC pills that could have caused me to gain more than I might have otherwise would. And I stopped those two weeks ago.

I know that I've really hurt some people, and I'm so sorry. I couldn't get out of it once I fell, and that's no excuse, but this is a real addiction, and I'm trying my best to not just say screw it all.

SO what do I do now? Confessing this alone is lifting a huge burden off me. God was right, that I couldn't ever get past this til I dealt with it. I know I'll be laying low for awhile, and I know all my friends will prolly be pretty pissed off at me. I have a feeling I'll be losing some friends for this, and I regret that dearly. I didn't want to hurt anyone. With this same thought in mind, I'll be withdrawing from the DAM BLC competition. Not that it counts, but since only I could see the weights, I did use my actual weight, not the 250 numbers. Other than that, I'm going to go back to the way I first started this diet. With the belief that moderation is an evil for us with a food addiction. I need to go back to elimination completely of things, all fast foods definitely, aside from Subway and CFA Grilled chicken. I'm debating keeping the monthly splurges. I think I'll need them, so I will keep those, but I won't be doing any at my house. The fast food splurge at my house was bad for me because I told myself that that was ok. So no more of those. Its so easy when you live as the lone adult in the house to rationalize things more in the privacy of your home. This means I need to work on getting out more as well, so I'm not tempted to. Being isolated is a huge factor, and I definitely used it to the addiction's advantage.

If you are still reading this, please say a prayer for me. And preferably not one that I get struck by lightning. There's no way I can reach my original goal by my birthday, but hopefully, I can get back on track here at 278 lbs, and get back to almost 250, and then keep striving for beyond.

Another day is another day...

I broke down and had carbs tonite. Its been killing me this week and with a rough day at work, I just couldn't stave it off anymore, and really didn't want to fight it. I'm TIRED of fighting it.

Input:
B: Slimfast chocolate shake but with 2% milk this time
S: applesauce
L: the usual...smoked turkey, string cheese, and baby carrots
S: grapes and fatfree yogurt
D: Noodles with a bit of butter and garlic, topped with a bit of lowfat cheese, plus a salad with lowfat ranch
S: The rest of the sherbet :( its all gone now, and then a 100 calorie pudding

Cals: 1356 calories

Output: I bumped it up to 2 miles on the bike, but thats about it

Finally back at work...and shakes...

I wanna give a huge thumbs up to SLIMFAST. lol I dunno about "controlling hunger up to 4 hours", since I just tried it for breakfast this morning, BUT the last two days, I've had a big calorie deficit at the end of the day, and Slimfast has totally helped that. Its been amazing to me how many calories you eliminate when you take out the bad carbs like bread, pasta, and rice. So the last two days when I ended the day at around 960 something, I tried a Slimfast milk shake (I got the powder mix stuff), and it is REALLY good. It makes up 200 calories and all kinds of vitamins. Plus it tastes a lot better than the old school Slimfast did, so I can "almost" imagine I'm having a shake...lol As aforementioned, I tried it this morning for breakfast (but with whole milk, not skim, to change it up a bit) and we'll see how long it goes. D is back at school again today and we'll see how THAT goes, so maybe we can get back in routine.

Input:
B: Slimfast shake with whole milk
S: applesauce and almonds
L: smoked turkey, string cheese, baby carrots, grapes
S: fat free yogurt
D: Skillet chicken covered in some ragu and lowfat cheese, with a sliced roma tomato
S: Sherbet

Cals: 1255 calories

Output: a mile on the exercise bike, I need to get my butt in gear, I keep saying that, but I'm just not up to it, I'm in a funk.

Another day off

And I am sorely tired of this...dealing with D in pain for a full week now has me mentally exhausted. Poor guy, I know he can't help it, but I'm definitely ready for him to be healed! He had such an awful night last night/this morning that I couldn't send him to school. Neither of us got much sleep. We did go to the ENT this afternoon, and got some good news. D should only have another 2 days of pain or so, and he's healing nicely. So that was good to hear. And D actually ATE a bit more today, and was asking for something to drink. He has barely drank anything in a WEEK! So I'm seeing progress, and there's a light at the end of this tunnel.

Input:
L: Smoked turkey, 2% milk string cheese, and applesauce
S: 100 cal pudding cup
D: Chili's Guiltless Grill To-Go: grilled chicken, salad with lowfat ranch, glass of skim milk
S: sherbet, and later, another slimfast shake to up my calories. It really has been interesting to see HOW many cals the bad carbs take up!!

Cals: 1161 calories

Output: a mile on the bike, nothing else, I really need to up my workouts...

Well he did TRY to go to school

D so wanted to, so I sent him today. Unfortunately, poor guy was just having a rough time with pain management...so he didn't make it all day. We'll try again tomorrow.

I did manage to hang on to the first day back on no bad carbs.

Input:
B: applesauce and almonds
L: smoked turkey, string cheese (2% milk), baby carrots
S: CapriSun and a fat free yogurt
D: Eggbeaters with yolk and turkey sausage, with a bit of salsa, and a glass of skim milk
S: Orange sherbet, and then later, a slimfast shake to make up calories

Cals: 1168 calories

Output: one mile on the bike, not much else

I missed two days

I didn't post for two days, but it was such a long two days, with being the worst in pain for D's healing, that I have no clue what I ate. So I'm going to chalk those up as lost days. I know I didn't do awful, as we didn't leave the house except once on Friday, and not at all Saturday. But otherwise I can not remember what in the world I DID eat. I know there was popcorn on Friday evening when I got a movie night out, but other than that...*shrug*. So I'll start over today.

Tomorrow is the beginning of only good carbs for 5 days again. I totally failed in it last week, but it happened. It was a rough week.

Also tomorrow D will be back at school. I'm not so certain that it's the right thing to do, as I don't think he's completely READY to go back to daycare all day, poor guy, but I have to go back to work, and I don't really have much other choice. I'll see how he's doing in the morning and make a final decision.

Input:
L: eggbeaters with some shredded cheese and canadian bacon
S: grapes and a pudding cup
D: baked chicken, mashed potatoes, broccoli with some light ranch dressing
S: 1 cup of sherbet

Cals: 1247 calories

Output: 1 mile on the recumbent stationary bike, and a 30 minute walk around Target