Scrooged

I have to admit, most of my life, I've felt like Scrooge. I just never could quite "feel" the holidays. With my mom choosing to not be part of the family, and (up until 2 years ago) not having much of a relationship with my dad, I always felt kind of like the stepchild at family gatherings. My brother lives with my aunt so he was "in" that all the time, and I think it was totally different for me feeling like an outsider. And I hated that feeling...still do. And even the last two years having D, I've still felt like that. Just couldn't get into the holiday spirit, didn't want to put up a tree since I thought he was too young to handle it, and probably wouldn't have kept his hands off it. Plus with my grandad getting close to the end 2 years ago, and then last year our first christmas without him...yeah its been difficult. I still get gifts for D, still did the stocking thing, still made it fun for HIM. But I just usually stay depressed all holiday season.

But this year feels different for ME. This year, I put up the tree, I got some photo cards made for D's teachers and therapists, I might even wear a Christmas shirt on that day. lol Granted, I still feel the loss of not having a mom around. Especially a mom who is alive and CHOOSES to not want to be with her children, who makes the choice to distance herself from family. Which I can't imagine how one comes to that, but thats a whole other blog in itself.

But I think this year, that Scrooge might just be retreating a bit, and I'm happy for that. I don't like feeling that dark cloud during a season that is supposed to be joyous and happy. Maybe this year, I can actually enjoy it for what it is and not think about the other mess.