Food addiction

I wonder if I will fight this for the rest of my life. I know it gets easier, but will it ever go away? I've been wanting to write about this since Wednesday evening but had not had a chance yet to type it up. Prior to that, I had thought I was doing pretty good. I broke night eating awhile back, so things were going good with eating, but then came Wednesday evening.

Since we had had Subway for dinner and I had ground turkey defrosted, after D went to bed, I decided to go ahead and cook some spaghetti sauce for the next night. I finished cooking it, and had it in a container cooling. I stuck my finger in it to taste it (hey, its just for D and I to eat...lol) The next thing I knew, I had a spoon in my hand and was about to eat a huge spoonful of it, when I stopped myself.

It surprised me how quickly that almost went bad! I couldn't believe it. But it gave me a renewed determination to kick this. I DON'T want to fight this forever. Maybe in another year or so, it won't be so automatic. But until then, I need to be a lot more careful! Until then, maybe no more night cooking either! I ended up tossing the container into the fridge before it was cooled off so that I couldn't smell it anymore, because even though I put the spoon down without taking a bite, I still had that desire to badly. :(

A letter to my body *Some TMI*

This is a letter to my body. Its been a long time coming but I finally decided to just publish. I am beyond frustrated right now with my body, so here goes.

Dear Body,

I hate you right now, I really do. And moreover, I hate what I've done to you. I hate that at most points of this diet, you make me go 3 days with no bowel movement. And I fully believe its because the colon is so stretched out from all the crap I used to eat that you just can't MOVE things now. Body, I've been trying so hard to help you out. I've increased my fiber intake, I'm eating better foods, but you have to help ME out here. Get moving! Literally! I won't take this mess too much longer.

Body, I really am trying to help you out here. In a week, we go in for a full check up. You're going to get poked, prodded and all kinds of fun stuff. But just remember, I'm doing this for us.

I'm sorry I've been so awful to you. I'm sorry that I used to shove pizzas into you. I know you didn't like it, but you adjusted to it. Now I beg you to adjust again. I make a vow that I will NOT ever go back to the way it used to be. I might have moments of it, a splurge here or there, I'm sure at some point I'll backslide abit, but I will not be putting you through having to adjust again to having that much food inside you on a daily basis. I'm not going back. So please go ahead and get used to this, I give you full leave to do so.

Thanks, and I really do love you, ya know. I don't act like it, and a lot of times I don't always feel it, but its there. You've been with me my whole life, the only thing constant in my tumultuous life. And while I may have abused you, its only because I know you'll always be there for me. Lets make the rest of this life a good one.

--Brandie

Just wanted to share

I took some pics with D today for his back to school, official Pre-K day. And I can kinda see the thin barely peeking through the fat...lol I kinda like it...

And just for comparison, this is from when we first started the diet.

Ok well

Cancel that last post...lol we walked Collin Creek mall for abit and then they decided to go eat at Tino's Mexican restaurant. I don't think I did just awful though. Take a look at our Losin Together blog later this evening to scope out what I had.

This should be interesting...

Tonite, D and I are joining my family at Blackeyed Pea for dinner. For those of you who know BEP, its home-cookin. Most everything is fried. And my alltime favorite meal there, used to be chicken fried steak or chicken (I wasn't picky...lol), with seasoned rice, mac n cheese, and a salad. OH and a roll with butter. Good stuff, huh? But I've changed now, well, I know deep down I'd still absolutely love it, but I can't allow myself to have that right now. So...I'm going to play it safe. I'm still going to get a bit of what I like. I will get the seasoned rice, and have one roll with . I'm excited to say that BEP has their full nutritional information online!!!! YAY! That makes it so much easier in figuring out what to get!! Wish me luck.

New section added

Look over there on the right. You see it? Do you?

I added a new section called Upcoming Events I'm Doing. I really want to get more into doing Fun Run/Walks and other 5Ks to ramp up what I'm doing otherwise. They will all be for a great cause, and I'd really appreciate you guys support. If you have any extra time/money, please help me in any of these, by signing up to do them with me, or supporting the cause with a donation. The links to them go directly to my donation page or to a page where you can donate or join.

Thanks!

YAY another size down!

I'm excited. Not too long ago, Dina on DAM hooked me up with two pairs of size 24W capris. I NEVER thought I'd get to that size, having started at 30/32s (and some of those were too small!). But...I wore one pair of them on Sunday! YAY! My other friend, Melissa (in Missouri) sent me a skirt that is 24W, and it fits too! Well, ok, it fits if I'm standing up. Its a straight, knee length skirt, so its tight when sitting, but heck yeah, standing up counts! I'm so ready to get on with getting below a 20. I have no idea what my final goal is for clothing size, but I'd be ecstatic to get below an 18 someday. lol Rock on!

Does it count?

I wonder if hitting 55 lbs down really counts if your body spent all weekend purging itself? Uggh its been a long weekend, and still continues today, Monday. Anything I eat causes it to continue and its really annoying. Hopefully it will get better. I DID hit 55 lbs down today, but it sure wasn't because I was trying! lol I didn't work out all weekend because of this, going to try and get in at least a walk on the treadmill today.

Another milestone hit!

What, huh, whats that?? That says 278.8!!! Which means I am now 51.2 lbs down!!! I hit my 50 lb goal and exceeded it!! I even stepped on the scale SIX times to make sure it really was right...lol

White Chili (Chicken Chili)

We are having a chili cookoff at work tomorrow, so I decided to make White Chili. It uses chicken instead of beef. It smells DELICIOUS!!! I'll post the actual recipe at the bottom.

And we begin:

All the cans I had to use!

Simmering the onions in olive oil

Oh wait, forgot the garlic

Ok added in the chicken, the broth and the spices

These spices right here...and YEAH cayenne, this stuff is spicy!

There they are! Spices added...

Thats a lot of beans!

The sorta finished project...its simmering right now for another 20 minutes, but thats it!!! Tomorrow I will warm it up in the crockpot at work, and then serve with cheese, sour cream, and fritos...YUM!!

White Chili

INGREDIENTS

• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 2 onions, chopped (I just used half of one big one)
  
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 4 cooked, boneless chicken breast half, chopped (I used 4 cans of chicken drained)
  
• 3 (14.5 ounce) cans chicken broth
• 2 (4 ounce) cans canned green chile peppers, chopped
• 2 teaspoons ground cumin
• 2 teaspoons dried oregano
• 1 1/2 teaspoons cayenne pepper
• 5 (14.5 ounce) cans great Northern beans, undrained
• 1 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese

DIRECTIONS

1. Heat the oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add the onions and garlic and saute for 10 minutes, or until onions are tender. Add the chicken, chicken broth, green chile peppers, cumin, oregano and cayenne pepper and bring to a boil.
2. Reduce heat to low and add the beans. Simmer for 20 to 30 minutes, or until heated thoroughly. Pour into individual bowls and top with the cheese.

I totally suck at this

I thought it was odd on Saturday when D really didn't eat as much as usual...then I REALLY thought it was odd on Sunday when he REALLY didn't eat much (was still drinking just fine though). He woke up at 430 am on Sunday morning and was whiny from that, but then he took a 2 hour nap on Sunday, which is so not him, but seemed ok the rest of the day, just a little lethargic. He had a few really loose stools, but it wasn't true diarrhea, I guess, he still went potty with it. I couldn't figure out what was up, but know others who have had tummy issues so figured it was that.

Until 2am this morning when I was cleaning up a trail of poo from his bed to my room, I realized...I hadn't picked up his anti-seizure med refill. With AF as bad as it was on Saturday, I didn't even REALIZE that he didn't get a dose Saturday evening or at ALL on Sunday, and I forced him into an unintentional detox. :( I feel like the worst parent EVER. I know he'll be fine, we'll start it back up again tonite when I go pick it up, and he'll have a drugged day tomorrow and then be ok, but geez, poor baby. And I know he didn't understand a bit of what was going on with his body. *sigh* Its no excuse, but it sucks, its so hard to remember to give it to him...he gets this med twice a day, and goodness knows he's missed a dose or two in the past, but never this long. :(

8-8-8

What a day. Definitely not one to really live on in infamy, but a semi-rough day anyway. On a good note, I'm at 282.2, providing AF doesn't up that about 3-4 lbs or so in the next couple of days. And speaking of, AF is in full effect, and driving me nuts. I've been taking a dose a day of Midol to help with water weight gain and bloating, so we'll see if that makes a difference.

We did have a good time at our Splurge today at Dennys. You can read about what all I had on the Losin blog later today. We did not do a full all out splurge, tried to keep it under control. But I wanted to write some of what I've been thinking about with regard to that.

My cousin emailed me a bit ago with a warning (she knows about the diet) to make sure to replace the physical food that I'm getting rid of with spiritual food (or something to that effect) and today especially, I've been pondering lately what I'm actually replacing it with. Evenings have been SO MUCH better since I broke myself of night eating. I'm really glad I did it, I don't have cravings at night anymore, and really try to not eat after 7 or 8, to avoid that coming back. It gives me more mental energy in the evening to read my Bible, pray, workout, and not have to worry as much that I'll be wandering to the kitchen and back twenty times. And I'm really diggin that.

However, I do know that I am hypervigilant about the foods I eat now, almost to a fault. But it hit me after some comments at lunch, just HOW hypervigilant I am being. Maybe I need to ease up some on my own calorie counting? Or give myself the room to have a fun splurge without overanalyzing it? Truth is though, that I'm scared to, though I tried to play it off with jokes. Really scared. I'm afraid that if I do, I'll go back to my old ways. I can feel it everytime I think about someday going to a pizza buffet alone. And it freaks me out. I'm still so new at this, even though its been 3 months, that I don't trust myself yet to make rational decisions when it hasn't already been analyzed thoroughly. So until then, y'all are just gonna have to deal with it. Please don't laugh at me. I can't help it, and I have such a long way to go.

They finally noticed!

So...I hadn't told my family about the diet and yes, its been a long 3 months on sundays...lol But today I was on the phone with my grandma, and she asked if I'd lost weight!!! WOOHOO!! Only took 46.6 lbs...lol Oh well, I'm so glad that its getting really noticeable now!!

Thats all. I'm still doing good on the challenge of getting up early to workout...and have been going to bed fairly early so I'm doing great!

Week 8/4 Challenge

My personal challenge to myself this week...is to get up at 5:45 every morning and do a 30 minute walk on treadmill. I missed it this morning, blah, but I'm setting this standard for the rest of the week, it might extend to next week but we'll see...lol I really want to get in the habit of it!

So there you have it. I'll update this to let you know I made it...(thinkin positive, NOT gonna say IF I made it...lol)

Ok...no turning back...

SO...last night...I put up on Craigslist a big box of my size 30/32 clothes. FOR FREE. Overnight I had about 20 replies. Sadly, one guy emailed me saying his wife typically wears a size 10 and he was wondering if these were anywhere near that...lol Ummmm NO...anyway a guy came and picked them up today for his wife. Eeeekkk...definitely no turning back now! I won't let myself use those as a crutch. I now officially have no fall/winter clothes...lol but thats ok. I'm glad I didn't know exactly when he'd be showing up, I might have cancelled it! It was so hard to let go of those!! But I did it, and I'm crazy proud of myself for having come this far (almost 45 lbs down!) So pray that I come across some money before it gets cold...lol

And if you need two nice skirt/blouse sets (I saved those two to sell outright, they are nice), check out my craigslist ad for them (both size 30/32):

http://dallas.craigslist.org/dal/clo/781883471.html

Yes that is a SHAMELESS plug!

Loose skin

Just wanted to talk for a sec about this. I know it sounds weird...lol But having now lost 42 lbs, I'm definitely noticing that my skin is loose. Its worse in some places than in others. The part I notice the most right now, oddly, is on the side of my elbow. Its such a weird feeling although its a GOOD feeling. I can't wait to get down another 42 to REALLY feel it. lol I don't quite feel like I know my body anymore, so right now I'm adjusting to this change still. Truth be told, I kinda feel like an alien in my body right now. Just gotta adjust to it.