This has been a long time coming. And I'm prepared to deal with the fallout. I think. But I probably won't be around for a bit. I'm crazy ashamed I let it get this far, and have been crazy depressed over it for a long time, but have had to wear my poker face on it. And I don't know what else to do but come clean.
Here goes...I've gained back 27 lbs. There. I said it. I'm officially admitting that I've relapsed into food addiction. And I've been hiding it since November. Well, November is when the first inklings occurred. I didn't really throw out the cookie dough one bad night. I ate it. In December, I fought hard to control it, but couldn't stop it. Then came the roadtrip I went on. And ever since its been killing me. I've wanted to admit this so many times, and God keeps telling me that I can't get through this until I confess it, that its going to keep getting worse until I admit to all the lying I've done. I kept thinking, someone would catch me, would bust me on it, and it never happened. And God kept kicking my booty over it. But this last week, He's been on me like crazy to confess it. Last night, when I was at my lowest about it, a lady from Covenant Church called. We haven't attended there in awhile and its been sporadic at best anyway, since D can't handle a regular classroom there. But she said I was on her list to check on. I couldn't believe it. It reminds me of the phrase "listen for the whisper or wait for the brick". Ok God...I got the brick.
I guess if I'm going to confess this, I need to confess as to how bad it got. I've had craploads of fast food lately, several times a day, especially with being home with D last week. I've ordered lots of pizza to be delivered. It's been a complete relapse. And I hate it.
Part of me was scared to confess because I know I've lied to a lot of people about my weight and things related to it. Even knowing that it wasn't quite believable that I'd STILL be on a plateau at 252 lbs. Oddly, I tried to be honest in some ways, thinking that made it better. Everything I posted on my blog that I've eaten the last few months, I really did eat. I just didn't log what ELSE I ate. The crap. I also really had been on BC pills that could have caused me to gain more than I might have otherwise would. And I stopped those two weeks ago.
I know that I've really hurt some people, and I'm so sorry. I couldn't get out of it once I fell, and that's no excuse, but this is a real addiction, and I'm trying my best to not just say screw it all.
SO what do I do now? Confessing this alone is lifting a huge burden off me. God was right, that I couldn't ever get past this til I dealt with it. I know I'll be laying low for awhile, and I know all my friends will prolly be pretty pissed off at me. I have a feeling I'll be losing some friends for this, and I regret that dearly. I didn't want to hurt anyone. With this same thought in mind, I'll be withdrawing from the DAM BLC competition. Not that it counts, but since only I could see the weights, I did use my actual weight, not the 250 numbers. Other than that, I'm going to go back to the way I first started this diet. With the belief that moderation is an evil for us with a food addiction. I need to go back to elimination completely of things, all fast foods definitely, aside from Subway and CFA Grilled chicken. I'm debating keeping the monthly splurges. I think I'll need them, so I will keep those, but I won't be doing any at my house. The fast food splurge at my house was bad for me because I told myself that that was ok. So no more of those. Its so easy when you live as the lone adult in the house to rationalize things more in the privacy of your home. This means I need to work on getting out more as well, so I'm not tempted to. Being isolated is a huge factor, and I definitely used it to the addiction's advantage.
If you are still reading this, please say a prayer for me. And preferably not one that I get struck by lightning. There's no way I can reach my original goal by my birthday, but hopefully, I can get back on track here at 278 lbs, and get back to almost 250, and then keep striving for beyond.
Here goes...I've gained back 27 lbs. There. I said it. I'm officially admitting that I've relapsed into food addiction. And I've been hiding it since November. Well, November is when the first inklings occurred. I didn't really throw out the cookie dough one bad night. I ate it. In December, I fought hard to control it, but couldn't stop it. Then came the roadtrip I went on. And ever since its been killing me. I've wanted to admit this so many times, and God keeps telling me that I can't get through this until I confess it, that its going to keep getting worse until I admit to all the lying I've done. I kept thinking, someone would catch me, would bust me on it, and it never happened. And God kept kicking my booty over it. But this last week, He's been on me like crazy to confess it. Last night, when I was at my lowest about it, a lady from Covenant Church called. We haven't attended there in awhile and its been sporadic at best anyway, since D can't handle a regular classroom there. But she said I was on her list to check on. I couldn't believe it. It reminds me of the phrase "listen for the whisper or wait for the brick". Ok God...I got the brick.
I guess if I'm going to confess this, I need to confess as to how bad it got. I've had craploads of fast food lately, several times a day, especially with being home with D last week. I've ordered lots of pizza to be delivered. It's been a complete relapse. And I hate it.
Part of me was scared to confess because I know I've lied to a lot of people about my weight and things related to it. Even knowing that it wasn't quite believable that I'd STILL be on a plateau at 252 lbs. Oddly, I tried to be honest in some ways, thinking that made it better. Everything I posted on my blog that I've eaten the last few months, I really did eat. I just didn't log what ELSE I ate. The crap. I also really had been on BC pills that could have caused me to gain more than I might have otherwise would. And I stopped those two weeks ago.
I know that I've really hurt some people, and I'm so sorry. I couldn't get out of it once I fell, and that's no excuse, but this is a real addiction, and I'm trying my best to not just say screw it all.
SO what do I do now? Confessing this alone is lifting a huge burden off me. God was right, that I couldn't ever get past this til I dealt with it. I know I'll be laying low for awhile, and I know all my friends will prolly be pretty pissed off at me. I have a feeling I'll be losing some friends for this, and I regret that dearly. I didn't want to hurt anyone. With this same thought in mind, I'll be withdrawing from the DAM BLC competition. Not that it counts, but since only I could see the weights, I did use my actual weight, not the 250 numbers. Other than that, I'm going to go back to the way I first started this diet. With the belief that moderation is an evil for us with a food addiction. I need to go back to elimination completely of things, all fast foods definitely, aside from Subway and CFA Grilled chicken. I'm debating keeping the monthly splurges. I think I'll need them, so I will keep those, but I won't be doing any at my house. The fast food splurge at my house was bad for me because I told myself that that was ok. So no more of those. Its so easy when you live as the lone adult in the house to rationalize things more in the privacy of your home. This means I need to work on getting out more as well, so I'm not tempted to. Being isolated is a huge factor, and I definitely used it to the addiction's advantage.
If you are still reading this, please say a prayer for me. And preferably not one that I get struck by lightning. There's no way I can reach my original goal by my birthday, but hopefully, I can get back on track here at 278 lbs, and get back to almost 250, and then keep striving for beyond.
6 comments:
already said it on DAM - but you are an amazing person, Brandie! You will get back on track!! love you!
I'm so glad you told me to come here and read this. You can totally get back on track, and we all fall off the wagon occasionally. So you fell pretty far. Who cares? You're human and it happens. Your journey is so much harder, so much further than most of us can even imagine. The important thing is that you're being honest with YOURSELF (you don't owe the rest of us ANYTHING, most certainly not an apology) and that you're ready to get back on track with what worked (elimination). I hope you know that none of your true friends will be mad at you about this, that we all still love and support you and we KNOW, without a shadow of doubt, that you've lost it once and you'll lose it again.
I am still here and I will still be reading and supporting you!
Everyone falls down but only those with true courage and determination get back up and continue on.
*hugs* You can do it....one day at a time. Don't beat yourself up about it. Take things slow and steady. We are all here to support you!
{{hugs}} I have no doubt in my mind that you will be able to get back on track in no time. If you ever want to check out Spark People I'm on a spark team called Spark Ability and they are really helping me. I'm getting lots of support from people who have 100s to loose down to people who are cheering others along because they've reached their goals.
Brandie,
You are absolutely still an inspiration to me. To come clean and be honest about food addiction, and to show that the road isn't easy, that is truly putting yourself out there. I am praying for you.
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